Let’s talk about me having mental breakdown and my discovery of “Selective Mutism”

INTRODUCTION

Since I was young, I had trouble speaking at certain times. When I am too stressed or upset, or when I am in an uncomfortable situation that might lead to argument or embarrassment, I will go quite. Hundreds of thoughts are running in my mind but none can be put into words. It’s not I don’t want to talk; it is “I can’t Talk” even tho I want to. Today I learned that condition is called “Selective Mutism”.

I don’t have any diagnosed mental health issues but then I never went to therapist so I don’t know. But I can say I have bit of anxiety and social anxiety as well. Selective mutism is a special package that usually comes with social anxiety, at-least that’s what google says

MORE DETAILS

I want to explain how these situations usually look like.

1. Triggered, and I go mute.
2. Hate myself for not being able to talk,
3. Tries to talk about how I am feeling but end up uttering some random words that makes little to no sense.
4. Regret for trying to talk
5. More hate on myself
6. Reruns all the moments in my life where I felt this way
7. I get more sad and upset and more hate on myself
8. Finally a breakdown. This is the end if there is no question from someone asking “why are you crying”
9. If there is someone looking at me or asking me questions: my inability to communicate leads to more frustration and more hate on myself (I really need to remind myself to love myself)
10. More crying until I get tired and distract myself with something else (usually movies and music).

STORY TIME

Today I was talking to my father. He was helping me with my upcoming exam, voluntarily. To be honest, I don’t want his help because he teaches in his way and his teaching methods never help me unless I know the subject before hand. I really wanted to tell him that his one hour long explanations won’t help me in acing the test. I wanted to let him know I feel like bursting out and I want to run away from here because it’s too much for me to take; however, I didn’t want to upset him. He seemed excited, maybe too excited, that I knew it will only lead to arguments and more talking. And I also know that he will only take it as me being careless rather than understand that his way is not aligning with my way of studying. This is my trigger.

Then thoughts just started flowing in my mind. And I really wish I could communicate with my father but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even open my mouth. I spent the rest of my time just holding my tears and nodding.

As soon as my “class” with him was over, I ran out to the restroom and started crying. I cried very quietly because I didn’t wanted to make a scene and I didn’t want hear upsetting statements such as “you are too sensitive” or “oh come on you are being silly”.

But my mom, she is a magician. She always knows what I am feeling. She doesn’t understand what I am going through or my inability to communicate but she knows when I am down. She keeps pestering me with question “why are you upset? Tell me”. It felt warm and nice to have someone next you, caring for you but at the same time it adds pressure. Again I want to share my feeling but I can’t. I could probably write and show her but she don’t know English very much so my message will get lost. I had a breakdown and the more she questioned me, the more I cried.

She came to a conclusion that my father did something upsetting and started abusing him behind his back. But she doesn’t know that what happened with my father is just a trigger but the nonsensical thoughts in my mind made me having mental breakdown. The constant struggle of not being able to communicate is what lead me to have mental breakdown. And the fact me being quite led to more misunderstandings at home led me to have mental breakdown. And all these thoughts trapped in my mind led me to have a mental breakdown.

CONCLUSION:

In a nutshell: {triggered — muted — nonsensical thoughts in mind — -frustration — - burst of emotions — moment of distraction}

There are ways to deal with this. Usually what I try to do is prepare myself for such situations. Usually I play “what if” situations in my head and I will rehearse how I am going to act; so, I always have an act I can put up to deal with such uncomfortable situations. But unfortunately today was not a day where I could put up such an act.

Signing of Da1sy

— -comment down any suggestions or advices you might have and share your experience — -

Ps: This is solely based on my experience and it does not suggest any diagnosis or gives out any recommendations. Basically it’s just me ranting about my day :)